


Stupid Regrets

by ShyVioletCat



Series: Stupid Regrets [2]
Category: Throne of Glass Series - Sarah J. Maas
Genre: F/M, this is some kind of hell and I'm not even sorry
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-11
Updated: 2020-05-03
Packaged: 2021-02-28 16:42:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 7,341
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23110384
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShyVioletCat/pseuds/ShyVioletCat
Summary: Tumblr Prompt: “Can you pretend to love me, just once?” for rowaelin cuz your other angst one was so good and I want to cry again :)
Relationships: Aelin Ashryver Galathynius | Celaena Sardothien/Rowan Whitethorn, Rowaelin - Relationship, Sam Cortland/Aelin Ashryver Galathynius | Celaena Sardothien, Samlaena
Series: Stupid Regrets [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1873390
Comments: 8
Kudos: 71





	1. Chapter 1

Rowan shouldn’t be here. Every sensible part of him was telling him to run before she answered the door, let her think it was some stupid kids playing knock and run. It’s shouldn’t be Rowan on her doorstep. But his feet wouldn’t move even as he heard her footsteps approaching.

Aelin swung the door open and the sight of her took his breath away. She was dressed in a light robe tied at her waist, her hair messily tied back, her face clean of make up. But still she was radiant. Glowing.

“Rowan,” she said, smiling. “I thought you might be my groom damning tradition to come see me.”

“I-uh,” he ran his hands through his hair.

“Want to come in?” Aelin stepped aside and Rowan stepped into her house.

He knew this place like the back of his hand from the amount of time he’d spent here over the years. He could probably find his way around with his eyes closed. Rowan made his way to the living room, Aelin following. It was all set up for her to get ready tomorrow. Her wedding dress was hanging by the window zipped up in the bag. He already knew what it looked like, he was there when she chose it. It was the moment his whole world had come crashing down. Rowan turned his back to it, the sight of it mocking him.

When Aelin had stood there in that dress Rowan realised he was in love with his best friend… but she was marrying someone else.

“Is everything all right Rowan?” Aelin’s gentle enquiry brought him to the present.

Rowan shakes his head, both to rid him of the memory and to tell Aelin everything was not all right.

“Don’t marry Sam tomorrow.”

“What?” Her question was followed by an incredulous laugh.

“Please, just don’t,” Rowan pleaded looking up into her face.

“Why?” The word was barely a breath but it was there hanging in between them.

“Because I’m in love with you,” Rowan said. “I’ve been in love with you for so long, I just wasn’t smart enough to see it.”

Aelin’s arms wrapped around herself and she took a step back from him, shaking her head.

“Don’t be a bastard Rowan, don’t…” Aelin’s voice was quiet as it trailed off into nothing. Rowan braved another step forward.

“I was stupid and blind, Aelin. I didn’t realise until I saw you in that damned dress. I realised it should be me you’re marrying, not someone else. Please Aelin. Don’t marry Sam.”

Aelin was still shaking her head. Still had her arms wrapped around herself.

“Say something, please,” Rowan said, stepping closer again. Close enough they were within arms reach.

“I waited for you,” Aelin said, he voice almost inaudible. Then she looked up, eyes blazing in anger. “I waited for you. For years I waited. That stupid fling with Remelle, Lyria, the others, I was there through all of it and I was waiting for you to see that it was me who could love you best. But you are right Rowan, you were too blind and stupid to see it. I almost told you. I was going to tell you, but then you were hurting so bad after what happened to Lyria I didn’t want to push you. I waited and waited for you to see but I was always just your best friend. Then I met Sam and he loved me, and I love him. I didn’t have to wait for him and he made me realise all the time I had wasted pining over you I could have been living instead of living off the scraps you gave. As my best friend how dare you come and tell me this the night before my wedding. How dare you come in here and tell me that,” Aelin’s voice broke and Rowan realised she was crying. “If you had of told me, Rowan. But I don’t love like that anymore, I haven’t for a long time.”

Rowan could hear the lie, he could taste it. Aelin covered her face with her hands, Rowan stepped forward taking them between his and holding them to his chest with one hand, while the other tilted her chin up so she had to look at him.

“Can you pretend to love me, just once?” Rowan begged, calling Aelin on her bluff. “Just pretend and kiss me just once.”

Rowan lent his forehead on Aelin’s he saw her eyes close and her head tilt to the side. They stood like that for what may have been a minute or an eternity. Rowan stopped breathing as Aelin tilted her mouth towards his lips, the grip he had on her hands tightening. She pressed the softest of kisses to his cheek, her lips grazing the very corner of his mouth.

“I can’t,” Aelin breathed against his lips.

He wasn’t letting her go just yet. “We can run, we’ll leave tonight. No more wasted time,” Rowan said, his face pleading with her.

Aelin closed her eyes, taking in a shuddering breath. “I can’t, Rowan.”

“Why? I know you love me Aelin, you can’t lie to me.”

“Because I love Sam,” Aelin said, pulling her hands from Rowan’s. “And I’m pregnant.”

Rowan stumbled back, the shock of her words hitting him like a physical blow. Gods, he’s been so stupid to come here. He shouldn’t have come. He should have run like a coward when he had the chance.

“Rowan,” Aelin said as she reached for him.

But he couldn’t be here anymore. So without another word he turned his back on the love of his life and walked out.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It really doesn't get much better...

Rowan hadn’t opened any social media for a week, knowing what he would see. After a week he thought he would be safe. But it seemed the gods were laughing at him, throwing his own stupidity in his face, because when he opened his Facebook a video Fenrys posted from the night of the wedding was the first thing Rowan saw.

It played by itself, but silently. Rowan obviously had decided to torture himself further because he tapped it so he could hear what Sam was saying, Aelin tucked into his side. She was beaming up at Sam as he gave his thank you speech.

_“Thank you, again, for coming. It means the world to us that you would come and celebrate with us. We just have one more announcement…”_

Rowan’s heart plummeted as Sam looked down at Aelin, her bottom lipped tucked under her teeth as she smiled and nodded.

_“We’re pregnant!”_

There was cheering and clapping and whistling and Fenrys’ video went blurry as he celebrated, his thick, rich laughter drowning out almost all the other sounds. Rowan locked his phone and put it face down on the table.

He’d been so stupid.

~~~~~

Rowan had unfollowed or muted Aelin on social media for his own sanity, so when she had the baby he found out via Aedion. He posted a photo of him cradling the newborn wrapped in a yellow blanket. His comment read:

_Can’t wait to teach him his first swear word._

Rowan scrolled through the next few photos. A few of Lysandra holding the baby, the baby by himself in the crib. The last one was the three of them. Aelin, Sam and the baby. Aelin held the baby and Sam held them, the parents both smiled blissfully at their son.

Rowan longed for the day he didn’t regret how stupid he’d been.

A few weeks later Rowan heard through Lorcan that Sam had got a job in Rifthold and they’d back up and moved. Rowan was relieved, it meant there was less of a chance of running into Aelin if they’d left Orynth. Left Terrasen all together.

~~~~~

A few years went by, one night Rowan was meeting his friends at the pub. When he got to the table they were all sober, Elide was wiping tears from her eyes.

“What is it?”

There were a few beats of heavy silence.

“Sam’s sick,” Aedion said quietly.

From the mood at the table Rowan knew it was bad. Something in Rowan’s chest cracked. Dylan was just barely 3. This would devastating for them. For all of them.

Sam got sicker. Rowan’s friends updated him when he asked. He didn’t have long they said.

~~~~~

Rowan was scrolling aimlessly through his Facebook when he saw it. It was a simple post from Aelin herself, but because most of his friends had interacted with it it had come up.

Sam had peacefully passed away surrounded by his family. Then there were details for his funereal.

The sting of Aelin not choosing him had long since passed, for a long while Rowan had been happy for Aelin and the love she had. She had deserved much better than him, and that’s what Sam had been. Him being taken away from her so early was a cruel twist of fate.

~~~~~

The funeral had been a few months ago and Rowan didn’t go. There was no reason for him to. He’d sent Aelin a message telling her how sorry he was, but he didn’t hear anything back. Didn’t expect to.

He was walking down the street towards his favourite coffee shop when a shrill cry caught his attention ahead of him.

“Mum!”

Rowan saw a brown-haired boy, probably no older than 4 looking around a bit frantically, looking lost. Rowan went up and crouched down a few feet from him.

“Hey, you lost bud?”

The boy turned to face him and Rowan’s breath was knocked out of him. He knew those eyes anywhere. A brilliant shade of turquoise, gold ring in the iris. Eyes that had stopped haunting him once he realised how stupid and wrong he had been. So wrong.

“I can’t remember where my mum is,” Dylan said, eyes brimming with tears. “I saw a puppy. I wanted to see it. I can’t find Mum.”

The boy was building himself into hysterics.

“I know your mum and her friends. I can help you find them,” Rowan said but Dylan looked at him sceptically. Smart boy.

“I know Aedion, Lysandra, Elide, Lorcan, Fenrys. Lorcan is cranky all the time, huh?” Rowan said with a smile.

Dylan’s eyes lit up. “Yeah Uncle Lorcan is cranky all the time.”

“I’ll call him and see if he knows where your mum is,” Rowan said as he pulled out his phone, still crouching. Dylan came to look over his shoulder, his small hand resting on Rowan’s knee. Rowan was about hit video chat when he heard someone call Dylan’s name.

“Mum!” Dylan was running, straight into the arms of Aelin. She looked him over brushing his hair back.

“I turn around for one second…” Aelin said as she kissed his head.

“There was a puppy,” Dylan explained.

“Of course there was,” Aelin said with a sigh.

Then Dylan pointed to where Rowan now stood. “He was about to call Uncle Lorcan so you could find me.”

Aelin’s brow furrowed then she looked over at him. Rowan gave her a hesitant smile.

“Rowan?”

“Hey,” he said slipping his hands into the pockets of his jeans.

“Hey.” Aelin stood and Dylan slipped his hand into hers, and they walked over closing some of the distance between them. “Thanks for looking after him.”

Rowan just shrugged.

“He knows Uncle Lorcan is cranky all the time,” Dylan whispered loudly and that made Aelin snort.

“Rowan is very right about that.”

A very awkward silence followed which Rowan broke.

“You just visiting?” He asked.

Aelin shook her head. “We’ve moved back actually. With Sam gone…”

“I’m so sorry Aelin,” Rowan whispered.

“We’re doing okay, aren’t we son?” Aelin said as she looked down at Dylan, swinging his hand. He gave her a sad smile.

“I’ll let you guys go. I might see you around,” Rowan said.

Aelin looked at him, then she gave him a small smile. “Yeah, maybe.”

“Bye, Dylan,” Rowan said as he walked by, Dylan gave him a wave.

Rowan waved back and kept walking, only looking forward.


	3. Chapter 3

Rowan hadn’t expected to see her. Aelin had been living in Orynth again for a while, but he hadn’t run into her since Dylan had chased after that puppy and Rowan had found him on the street. For whatever reasons she didn’t come out much with the rest of their friends. So when she walked into the bar, arm in arm with Fenrys, Rowan had been surprised to say the least.

Just about everyone had come out tonight. The only ones missing were Vaughan, who was out town, and Elide, who couldn’t stand the smell of the place now that she was pregnant. They’d found a table in the back that they were all scattered around, a few of them off playing pool.

Fenrys and Aelin laughed at something then he let go of her as he went to the bar to order some drinks. She kept on towards their table, spotting them and smiling, Connall giving her a wave, but she took a seat across from Rowan and Lorcan.

“How’s Elide?” She asked Lorcan, tucking her chair in. “Has the tea been working?”

Lorcan shook his head. “The lollies did though.”

“Oh that’s good,” she said. The oddest thing Rowan had discovered a few months ago was the friendship that had formed between Lorcan and Aelin. Before, well everything, they could barely stand to be in the same room, but now they actually seemed to like each other.

“How are you Rowan?” She asked.

Rowan was glad Aelin was the one to go first, the one to start the conversation. He’d been the one to make a mess of their relationship, she should be the one to set the boundaries of it now. If Aelin had never wanted to speak to him again, he’d walk out of the bar right now to make sure she got what she wanted. He’d been so wrong all those years ago and he was yet to entirely forgive himself for it.

“I’m good, just working and not much else,” Rowan said.

“Lorcan an ass of a boss?” Aelin asked, a bit of that old wicked glint in her eye.

Rowan mouth twisted into a small grin. “Sure is.”

Aelin laughed quietly just as Fenrys brought her her drink and she thanked him.

“What are we talking about?” Fenrys asked.

“What Lorcan is like as a boss,” Aelin said as she took a sip of her drink.

“Well, he’s and ass,” Fenrys said and Lorcan flicked a coaster at him.

That’s how they passed the time, drinking, sniping at each other and laughing. Things definitely weren’t back to what they had been, but it was nice. They were now crowded around the pool table, watching Lysandra kick Connall’s ass in pool. Lorcan had left a little while ago, eager to get home to Elide. It was odd to see Lorcan like that, in love and considerate of someone that wasn’t himself. It wasn’t necessarily a bad thing. It just took some getting used to after years of unfeeling broodiness.

Lysandra sunk another ball and high fived Aelin as she walked past from where she stood beside Rowan. He was about to ask her about how her parents were when she quickly pulled her phone from her pocket.

“Hello,” there was a pause and then Aelin groaned. “Are you serious? No, no. Its fine. I’ll be back in about 20 minutes. Bye, Mum.”

Aelin sighed.

“Everything alright?” Rowan asked.

“No, well yes. Not a huge disaster, but Dylan forgot his teddy and he’s staying over at my parents house and he can’t sleep without it and my dad managed to leave the spare keys at work. They’ve been trying get him down for a while but it’s not working. Guess my nights over.”

Aelin started her rounds of goodbyes and then ended up back at Rowan.

“Are you right to get home? Did your come with Fen?” He asked.

“I did, but he seems a bit preoccupied.” Rowan looked over to where he was chatting up a pretty brunette. “Besides, we walked from my place so it doesn’t really matter.”

Rowan knew it was fairly late and very dark, so it only took him about a moment before he said, “Let me walk you home.”

“Rowan, you don’t have to,” Aelin said but he fixed her with a look. She rolled her eyes dramatically. “You were always an overprotective buzzard. Fine.”

Rowan ignored the snipe and then set out on his own round of goodbyes. He met Aelin back at the table as she was shrugging on her jacket. They didn’t say anything else as they left the bar and stepped out in the chilly night air.

“Where do you live?” Rowan asked, keeping pace beside her.

“I actually ended up on the same street and my parents. Which is good, for now at least. They adore Dylan so much and it’s good to have the help some days,” Aelin explained. “They’ve really been a help to him after…” Rowan watched as Aelin swallowed. “After everything.”

He could still read her well enough that he could see she didn’t want to talk about Sam, so Rowan changed the subject.

“Where are you working?” Rowan asked.

Aelin cleared her throat. “For my Dad’s company. Mainly admin stuff at the moment, might develop into something more if I stay on. Classic nepotism at work.”

Rowan laughed at that, and Aelin smiled.

For the rest of the walk they kept talk casual, nothing too deep. Rowan didn’t want to put his foot in it. But he could see that she was still very much the Aelin that he had knows those years ago, the Aelin that was his best friend, who was wickedly funny and kind. There was just a little less light about her, and Rowan completely understood why.

Aelin walked up the path to a very pretty little house on a street that he knew quite well with all the times he had been to the Galathynius household.

“I’ll head back,” Rowan said but Aelin turned around.

“No, come say hi to Mum and Dad. And I’m sure Dylan would like to see you, he likes to talk about the giant man who found him when he got lost.”

Aelin disappeared inside before Rowan could answer assuming he would do as she said. He stood outside, toeing at the path to, but it only took a few minutes for Aelin to come back out a brown teddy bear in her hands.

“Got the bugger,” she said as she passed him, heading for her parents house up the street.

Their house was very much the same, their large white door still bright and spotless. Aelin knocked, and it only took a minute until the door opened and small quick mass slammed into her legs. Then Dylan looked up at his mother, his eyes red rimmed.

“I brought him,” Aelin said offering her son the teddy. He took it from her and hugged it to his chest.

“I’m so sorry Aelin,” Evalin said as she appeared in the doorway. “If your father was not so damned forgetful, I do not even know why he took them to work in the first place,” she called back into the house. Rowan heard and a deep _yeah, yeah_ from somewhere in the house. Then Evalin saw Rowan. “Well, hello Rowan. Haven’t seen you in a while.”

“How are you Evalin?” Rowan said.

“Oh, I’m well.”

Aelin crouched down, smoothing back Dylan’s curls. “Did you say hello to Rowan, Dylan? He was very nice and offered to walk me back so I could get Sir Teddy for you.”

Dylan looked up at him and waved. Rowan smiled at him and waved back.

“Do you want to stay at Grandma and Papa’s or did you want to come home?” Aelin asked.

“I want to stay, we’re having pancakes for breakfast tomorrow morning,” Dylan said and then he lent in to whisper, “with ice-cream.”

The corner of Aelin’s eyes crinkled as she whispered back, “I don’t think you were supposed to tell me that. But I promise I won’t be mad about it. Goodnight, my little bean.”

Dylan threw his arms around Aelin’s shoulders. “‘Night Mum.” Then he took Evalin’s hand and practically dragged her inside.

“Goodnight, Aelin,” Evalin called back as the door shut.

Aelin stood there for a moment, just smiling, then she turned around. “Care to walk me home again?”

Rowan led the the way down the stairs.

“I’m sorry, Dylan gets a bit shy. He does really like you I think,” Aelin apologised. “I think he gets that from Sam.”

“It’s fine, he seems like a nice boy,” Rowan said.

“He’s the best,” Aelin said. They had got to Aelin’s front gate, standing there awkwardly. “Thanks for walking me back. Goodnight.”

Aelin walked away, all the way up to her door. Rowan just watched her as she unlocked the door.

“Aelin, I…” Rowan said and she turned to him.

She looked at him, really looked at him, like she could read everything about him like she always had a way of doing. Her face softened and her eyes were sad as she pushed the door open and said, “Would you like to come in?”


	4. Chapter 4

That walk to her front door felt like an eternity. 

Rowan hesitated as he stood on the front step because suddenly he wasn’t on this door step, he was on her old one, minutes away from begging her to run away with him. That night was still one of the greatest regrets of his life, it mocked him in his dreams and was a weight he carried with him when he was awake. With a deep inhale Rowan pushed away those thoughts and stepped through the door, following the sounds of Aelin moving in the house. It led him to the living room where toys were scattered across the floor and furniture.

“I’m not going to apologise, that’s kids,” Aelin said as she draped her own jacket over the couch.

“I wouldn’t expect you to,” Rowan said honestly.

Aelin smiled at that. “Drink?”

“Just water I think,” Rowan said and then Aelin moved into the kitchen, flicking lights on as she went.

Rowan walked around the living room, noting the pictures on many of the surfaces. Almost every single one of them had Sam in it, the biggest of which was on the centre of a shelf. It was the one he had seen all those years ago of the three of them in the hospital just after Dylan had been born. Looking at the bliss in that photo it made Rowan so sad that Aelin had lost Sam, he was a good man and they had loved each other.

“Here.”

Rowan turned and Aelin passed him the glass.

“I never…” Rowan swallowed against the tightness in his chest, his whole body. “I never apologised for that night. Aelin, what I did, I’m going to regret that the rest of my life. It was a dick move and selfish and I shouldn’t have done it. I should never have asked you to leave him.”

Aelin stepped forward, her hand resting on his cheek. “Thank you, Rowan. I know that wasn’t easy for you to say.” Aelin stroked his cheek once before dropping her hand. Then she turned and sat on the couch.

“I didn’t expect you to be so… calm,” Rowan said as he faced her.

She had her own cup in her hand and held it with both hands as she tucked her legs under herself. “Believe me, I wasn’t. For a long time, after you left me that night I broke three glasses, cut my hand pretty bad. I can show you the scar. But, Sam…” Aelin swallowed, nodding slowly, “he… um. He soothed that anger. I told him of course, it was the only time I think I really ever saw him that angry. He probably would have tired to kick your ass if you turned up to the wedding.”

Tears were steadily falling from her eyes and rolling over her cheeks.

“I loved him so much.” Her lips wavered as she spoke.

Rowan sat on the couch, placing his glass on the floor, but did nothing more.

Aelin wiped at her face. “He-ah,” she took a shuddering breath then blew it out, “he forgave you too. He wanted me to tell you that. It didn’t take him long, he forgave you much quicker than I did. That’s because he was a better person than me. I’m still certain everyone liked him better.”

“I didn’t,” Rowan said. “But I did like him.”

That made Aelin laugh, a strained sound but she meant it. “That was awful. I’m not even going to call it joke, because I know you’re not joking.” Aelin turned and put her glass on the table beside the arm of the couch. “It really shoudn’t have taken me this long to tell you but,” Aelin shrugged. Then she looked at him, her eyes still shining. “These past few years have really been something.” 

Rowan couldn’t look at her, he couldn’t breathe. He felt like his chest was caving in on itself. “I’m so sorry. Aelin, I should have been there. I left you, I can’t…”

It was his turn for his voice to break. He had made some sort of peace with himself after he’d let her go, but he was a fool to think he was anywhere near forgiving himself for what he had done to her.

“You were following you’re heart Rowan, I can’t hate you for that, I never hated you for that. The way you went about it, showing up on the doorstep the night before my wedding, now that was something,” Aelin said. “What I regret is that you ran, I know why you did it, you were never good at facing your feelings. But you left me alone and I needed you. I almost reached out so many times, I thought maybe you’d surprise me and come see Dylan when he was born, but you didn’t. Then Sam got sick and I knew you knew, but I didn’t hear from you until after he died. A text message of all things. I was grieving and angry, I deleted a thousand replies to that message. They weren’t polite, I can tell you that.”

Rowan felt like his chest had completely caved in on itself. Aelin was right, as her best friend he should have been there right beside her for everything, the good and the bad. But he wasn’t and it was his own godsdamned fault. He’d missed her wedding, the birth of her son, all his birthdays all of hers. He hadn’t been there for her when she’d lost Sam.

Aelin’s body was shuddering with each breath she took. “Dylan was the one who kept me going. He was who I got up for everyday, the reason why I kept smiling. Even though my heart was broken Dylan kept it together. And I am so grateful that everyday I look at him and I get to see Sam.”

Rowan didn’t know what to say. Aelin was laying her soul bare before him, years of pain and disappointment. So he let her talk, let her tell him the things he should have already known — things he should have been there to support her with — instead he had been wallowing in anger, jealousy and self pity.

“We were about to try for another baby when we found out about the cancer. He went in for a check up and they found something. It was so aggressive, there was nothing they could do. He just wasted away,” Aelin said. She was looking down, playing with the patterns in the couch cushion. “Sam has been gone for almost a year and I still miss him everyday.”

Rowan reached out and help her hand, she looked up at him, those turquoise eyes still drowning in tears. “I don’t think there will be a day in your life you won’t miss him, Aelin. And that’s okay.”

Aelin let out a broken sob then she threw herself at him, her arms wrapping around his neck. Rowan held her as she cried, it was the first time he had held her in almost five years and he had forgotten how right it felt to have her in his arms. He regretted that he had waited to tell her how he felt, regretted their lost time. But he did not regret the life she had lived, the life where she had been loved better than he could have loved her, he did not regret what Sam had given her.

“I’ve missed you, you absolute bastard,” Aelin said, her voice muffled against his shirt.

“I missed you too, you brat,” Rowan said as Aelin pulled away.

Aelin was smiling, although a little sadly, as she wiped away her tears. “What has your miserable ass been up to all these years?”

“Nothing at all exciting, but I can tell you if you want,” Rowan told her.

“Please.”

They stayed up for hours talking, it was mostly Rowan recounting what he had been doing with his life. Aelin listened intently, drinking in his words. She laughed and teased him about his bad decisions and mistakes, especially when he accidentally hooked up again with an ex when she had come into town.

_“How was it an accident? Did you both trip over and lose all your clothes then fall on the bed?” She’d said trying no to laugh._

_“It was a very bad lapse in judgement.” Rowan said as he crossed his arms._

_Aelin snorted. “Remelle was the worst, I think a brain aneurysm would be a better excuse. Or maybe a stroke.”_

_“Well you weren’t here to scare her off like you always did, so really it’s your fault,” Rowan practically poutred._

_Aelin smiled. “Or maybe it was just your punishment.”_

Aelin ended up putting a movie on despite how late it was and she lent into his shoulder as they watched. Rowan didn’t know who fell asleep first but when he woke up morning light was peeking from behind the curtains of the living room. He looked down at Aelin who was still asleep on his shoulder. A lot of hurts had been healed last night, but their friendship wouldn’t go back to the way it was. It would be something new, and Rowan didn’t regret that. Not for one moment.


	5. Chapter 5

Aelin sat at the table setting on her back porch, a glass of lemonade in front of her. It had lost her focus a while ago, she was too busy watching the adventures of her son in the backyard. He was armed with a stick, Rowan with another as he taught Dylan some sword fighting moves. Dylan took it all fairly seriously as Rowan tapped his foot with his stick to make sure he was standing right. Then Rowan lifted his ‘sword’ and Dylan went for him. The clacking sound of wood on wood rang throughout the backyard and Aelin smiled as Rowan narrowly dodged a hard jab to the ribs.

“He’s so good with him. I haven’t seen Dylan smile like that in a very long time,” Aelin’s mother said quietly from beside her.

_Since his father died_ , is what Evalin left unsaid.

Rowan laughed as Dylan managed to poke him in the ribs. The sweet boy apologised profusely but Rowan assured him he was fine. Then they were raising their pretend swords again.

“I didn’t know Rowan knew fencing,” Evalin commented.

Aelin held in her snort. “He doesn’t. He’s just watched a lot of Star Wars.”

Evalin chuckled softly and Aelin smiled.

Aelin took a sip of her lemonade. “Dylan really loves him. Rowan has been great for him.”

“What about you?”

Aelin looked at her mother and her loaded question. “What do you mean ‘what about me’?”

Evalin just gave her a long look. Aelin sighed and looked back out to where Rowan and Dylan played. It was 2 years since Rowan had walked her home that evening when they had finally bridged that gap between them. He’d become her best friend again, and he’d been a godsend with Dylan, being there for both of them as they found their way out of the darkness of grief. Rowan had never asked for more than she was willing to give. And gods, Aelin wasn’t even sure if Rowan would still want her in that way after everything. But for a few months now Aelin had been tempted to ask him, but something held her back.

Her mother reached out and gripped her hand. “I think Sam would want you to be happy.”

Aelin looked up to the blue sky as tears began to sting at the corner of her eyes. “I don’t want it to feel like I’m betraying him.” Aelin said, her voice thick as she desperately tried to hold back her tears.

“Fireheart, no. You loved him, you grieved for him, you honour him everyday with how much you love your son. If you’re ready to love again I have no doubt in my mind that Sam would be happy for you,” Evalin said.

Aelin felt a tear fall from her eye and quickly wiped it away before Dylan or Rowan could see. “You really think so?”

Evalin stood and pressed a kiss to Aelin’s head. “I do.”

~~~~~

After their little chat, Aelin’s mother had left to get dinner ready at her own home leaving Aelin to think about everything she had said. Aelin had watched Rowan and Dylan play for a bit longer before she went inside herself and put their dinner of mac and cheese in the oven.

Then she had gone to her bedroom, and stood in front of her dresser. She looked at her wedding rings in the box, ran her fingers over them. She hadn’t worn them in years, she had stopped almost as soon as Sam had died, the weight too heavy on her finger. She looked up at the photo she kept by them, it was one of her favourites from their wedding reception. Sam had just announced to their guests that she was pregnant and his smile was unrestrained. That moment was probably one of the times she’d seen him at his happiest.

So gently she ran her fingers over his face. “You’ll always be a part of me Sam, a part of our lives. I’ll miss you, everyday I’ll wish you were here. There will always be a part of my heart that belongs to you.” Aelin didn’t say anything more as she closed the lid on her rings and left the room.

That had been a few hours ago. Rowan had stayed for dinner on Dylan’s insistence and then for a movie as well. They had put on one of the Star Wars movies and Dylan had tucked himself into Rowan’s side. The way Rowan had let him, not even batting an eye, had Aelin’s chest aching at the sight. The 6 year old had lasted until about half way through before he fell asleep and that had Rowan smiling down at the boy as he kept watching.

Aelin gathered up the empty popcorn bowls from the living room and took them to the kitchen and started to back the dishwasher. She was almost done when she heard Rowan come in.

“Can I help?” He offered.

Aelin shook her head. “No, I’m just about done.”

Rowan crossed his arms and lent on the bench. “I thought he’d wake up when I moved, but he is out.”

Aelin laughed. “That was some serious sword fighting this afternoon. I’m not surprised.”

Rowan’s chuckle made her look up. His harsh, handsome face held a gentleness and a softness to it that she had missed all those years they had been apart.

“Aelin what is it?” Rowan asked quietly.

He must have noticed her stare, and now Aelin didn’t know what to do. She felt tears in her eyes again, exactly why she didn’t know. Rowan stepped up to her, his finger gently pushing her chin up so she looked into his face.

“What is it?”

“Do you love me, Rowan?” Aelin whispered.

Rowan looked at her, his eyes reading everything she couldn’t say. “I never stopped.”

Aelin didn’t think. Her arms went around his neck and she pressed her lips to his. It took him a moment to react, Aelin’s heart stuttered in that moment of hesitation, but then he was kissing her back. His hand rested on her hips as hers found their way to his shoulders.

“Mum!”

Aelin broke the kiss as her son called for her. “Coming, Dylan!”

Rowan smiled down at her, and Aelin couldn’t help but smile back.

“Are you sure about this?” Aelin asked.

Rowan kissed her again. “I have many regrets in my life Aelin, but I won’t regret this.”


	6. Chapter 6

_3 months later…_

This was bliss. The way Rowan’s hands touched her body, the way his lips moved across her skin, it had her burning and burning. Aelin’s breath hitched as his fingers travelled up her sides, never quite touching exactly where she wanted him to as he kissed her neck. His silver hair caught the morning light as Aelin ran her fingers through his hair. Neither of them wore more than the bedsheet pooled at their hips as she sat straddled across his lap. He was teasing her, but any moment now Rowan would give in and give her exactly what she wanted.

Footsteps came running down the hallway and Aelin panicked, almost falling backwards in her scramble to get herself covered. Rowan caught her though, pulling her to his chest and flicking the sheet around her shoulders just before her bedroom door burst open and Dylan came in.

“Mum! I wanna watch cartoons but the remote isn’t working!” He declared.

“Batteries are in the second drawer in the kitchen, sweetie,” Aelin said over her shoulder, pulling the sheet tighter around herself.

Dylan didn’t say anything before he ran back out. With it being just the two of them for so long Dylan had difficulty remembering boundaries when it came to her room. Aelin looked back at Rowan, his eyes shining with mirth at the way her cheeks were no doubt flaming red.

“It’s not funny,” Aelin hissed as she swatted at his arm. That only set a deep chuckle rumbling through his chest.

“Five minutes and I can put a lock on that door, maybe padlock it too,” Rowan said, pressing a smiling kiss to her cheek. “Preserve his innocent eyes.”

This wasn’t the first time that Dylan had… interrupted them, and she doubted it would be the last. Aelin sighed. “Yes, let’s do it today.”

_9 months later…_

The house was dark and completely silent when Aelin walked through the door of her home. Odd, because Rowan was meant to be home with Dylan.

“Boys?” Aelin called as she took off her shoes by the door. She heard a quiet giggle.

Smiling, she flicked on the light for the living room, gasping as she took in what awaited her. Dylan was dressed in a suit, even a little bow tie around his neck. He held a sign he and Rowan no doubt made themselves. Tears were building in her eyes as she read the words.

_Will you marry him? Please?_

Then there was an arrow that pointed to Rowan who was also dressed in a suit, matching Dylan’s even down to the bow tie, and he was kneeling with a ring box open in his hand. They both had bright conspiring smiles on their faces, like they were the most clever people in the world. Aelin took a few steps forward, her eyes going to the ring; a gold band set with a shining emerald.

“Well, Mum?” Dylan said as he shook the sign a little.

Rowan glanced at him and his grin spread a little wider.

“I’m waiting for Rowan to ask me himself,” Aelin said a little breathlessly, moving so she was standing right in front of the man who was about to become her fiancé.

Rowan smiled so hard the corner of his eyes crinkled. “Aelin, will you be my wife?”

Aelin nodded. “Yes. Yes, of course I will.”

Rowan was on his feet, Aelin’s face in his hands as he kissed her. He slipped the ring onto her finger and Dylan cheered from beside them.

_18 months later…_

Rowan couldn’t wipe the smile off his face as he walked through the hallways of the hospital. Evalin and Rhoe had brought Dylan to meet his new sibling and Rowan was on his way to go collect him from the waiting room. He had a thousand emotions running through him, pride, joy and a little bit of fear just to name a few. When he stepped through the doors to the waiting room Dylan practically bounded over to Rowan, taking his hand.

“Can I go see her?” He practically begged, pulling him in the direction the Rowan had come.

Rowan waved at his in-laws before leading Dylan away. They were both beaming at him and Dylan as they waited for this special introduction to happen. As they walked Dylan practically buzzed with energy, he rattled off his night at his grandparents. Ice cream was had, twice apparently, and he’d fallen asleep on the couch watching a movie.

As they got closer to the maternity ward Rowan said softly, “You’ll have to be quiet now Dylan. There’s lots of babies and we don’t want to disturb them.”

“Yeah, okay,” Dylan whispered but he still thrummed with an excited energy.

Rowan opened the door to Aelin’s room and held it for Dylan. He rushed in, straight to his mother’s side. Aelin smiled at him and leaned over so Dylan could look at his little sister’s face. There was a look of wonder on his face and Aelin’s eyes started to fill with tears as she took in Dylan’s expression. Rowan stood back, watching the scene unfold between mother and children.

“Do you want to hold her?” Aelin whispered and Dylan nodded.

Aelin patted the space next to her on the bed and Dylan darted around to the other side of the bed and climbed up, settling next to Aelin.

“Dylan, you need to be calm. She’ll feel how excited you are and wake up if you’re not very, very calm,” Aelin explained. Dylan closed his eyes and took a few deep breaths. When he opened them again Aelin asked, “Ready?”

Dylan gave one very definite nod. “Ready.”

Aelin passed the baby over into Dylan’s waiting arms. At eight years old he didn’t need much help, but still Aelin hovered a little just in case. Dylan didn’t notice, he just beamed down at his sister.

“What’s her name?” Dylan whispered, not taking her eyes off the newborns face.

“Elspeth,” Aelin said as she wrapped her arm around the two of them and kissed the top of Dylan’s head. “But you can call her Elsie if you like.”

Dylan was silent for a moment, just taking everything in. “Elsie,” he said and paused again before whispering, “Hi, I’m Dylan. I’m your big brother. I love you and I’m going to be your best friend.”

Aelin wiped the tears from her cheeks and kissed Dylan again. Then she began to whisper things that only Dylan could hear. Rowan watched the three of them, his heart near bursting with love. He loved Dylan like he was his own, and he still would without question. His heart had only grown when he had held his daughter for the first time only hours ago.

This was his family, and he had no regrets about how he had got here. Rowan loved them with his whole heart, his soul, every flawed part of himself. To whatever end.


End file.
